Star Wars: The Fanta Menace
by jordray
Summary: Two brainless jedi, an intelligent gungan and a kleptomaniac young Skywalker... what could possibly go wrong?   Oh yeah, everything.  This was a story I originally wrote for an English assignment, but then things kind of got out of hand.
1. Chapter 1

**Narrator**: A long time ago in galaxy so ridiculously far away you'll never have time to go there and check if this story is true….

Star Wars The Fanta Menace

Dun dun dun dun dun dun dun…wait, I'm already telling this idiotic story, why the heck do I have to sing the theme song as well?

**Author**: Because this is a Star Wars story, how can this possibly be related to Star Wars if I don't even have then theme song at the start of my story!

**Narrator**: Yeah, but why do I have to do it? Aren't you like supposed to hire a sound guy to do this kind of stuff?

**Author:**I would, but that's not covered in the budget.

**Narrator**: WHAT! How can you not even afford to type in the word "sound guy" before the sound and special effects? You're not even paying me to do that!

**Author**: Okay, fine, whatever, you don't have to do the sound effects, I'll hire a sound man.

**Sound Guy**: *appears out of nowhere*

**Narrator**: Thank you.

**Author**: Good, now can we please start this thing again?

**Narrator**: Ok, ahem….  
>A long time ago in galaxy so ridiculously far away you'll never have time to go there and check if this story is true….<p>

Star Wars The Fanta Menace

**Sound Guy**: Dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun…

**Narrator**: *interrupts* Ok, enough with the whole freaking theme song already!  
>Ahem. Qui-Gon &amp; Obi-wan were dispatched by the supreme Chancellor to help settle the dispute over the incredibly insignificant planet of Naboo. The incredibly powerful trade federation had decided to, instead of doing something useful with their time, blockade a perfectly useless planet in a pointless waste of time, and to top it all off, the boss of the entire trade federation, Nuke Gunray, who by the way is nowhere near as cool as his name, or cool at all for that matter...in fact, his face kinda reminds me of the time when my younger brother fed the dog his broccoli &amp; then it puked it up all over my little sister's dollhouse and so my dad…<p>

**Author**: *interrupts* NO ONE WANTS TO HEAR YOUR FREAKING LIFE STORY HERE! *takes deep breath* Ahem, it's your job to read, not to comment on the looks and appeal of my characters, or start relating them to your dog's puked up broccoli on dollhouse thing.

**Narrato**r: Ok ok ok, anyway…. Nuke Gunray, the big boss of the trade federation, had also shown up for the party. So now our two heroes board the Federation's control ship and…

**Author**: Hold it! You can't just skip parts of the story, it'll confuse my readers!

**Narrator**: What readers? This story is so pathetic anyway, all I did was skip the bit where they asked permission to board the ship & permission was granted!

**Author:***scream in frustration* I DON'T CARE! *sobs pathetically* Please, just read on

**Darth Maul**: You're pathetic.

**Narrator:**What the heck are you doing here? You're not supposed to appear for another 15 chapters!

**Darth Maul**: So what am I supposed to do until then?

**Narrator:**Well, maybe you could practice your lines?

**Darth Maul**: I'VE ONLY GOT ONE FREAKING LINE IN THIS WHOLE STORY! *takes on deep voice* Yes, my lord…..pathetic. I'm an internationally acclaimed actor, and this is what I get stuck with!

**Narrator:**Hey, take it easy, you at least get to kill a Jedi.

**Darth Maul**: I DO! Awesome! I'll even take that 200% pay cut you offered me!

**Author:**Uh, what pay cut, I don't remember any of this.

**Narrator:**Look, if Maul wants to pay me his wages to be in this book, I don't see a problem with it.

**Author**: *sigh* This chapter is a failure.

**Narrator**: *grins smugly* Well, at least I didn't write it.

**Author:**Why you [CENSORED] little [CENSORED] I ought to [CENSORED] you to freaking [CENSORED] [CENSORED] [CENSORED].

**Narrator:**Hey can you take it easy on the swearing, it makes all these annoying censored flags come up on the screen.

**Author:***sigh* just end the chapter.

**Narrator:** Fine, so having done almost nothing this entire time, Qui-gon & Obi-wan recline in comfy metal seats awaiting the federation representatives…with the fate of a totally useless & irrelevant planet hanging in the balance.


	2. Chapter 2

**Narrator:** And so, our two heroes reclined comfortably in their cold, hard metal chairs, awaiting the representatives from the Trade Federation. Meanwhile, a protocol droid reported to the Federation that the 'ambassadors' were actually Jedi knights in disguise! ...wait a minute; they're wearing traditional Jedi robes, what kind of pathetic disguise is this?

**Qui-gon:** Hey, are you mocking my clever disguise

**Narrator**: WHAT DISGUISE? You're wearing the same clothes that you Jedi always wear! That brown robe covering your white clothing. Seriously, who the heck is going to be fooled by that!

**Qui-gon:** Uhhh, the federation dudes

**Narrator:** Seriously, when I was playing Chewbacca at least I had a good disguise

*awkward pause*

**Obi-wan:** Uh, who the heck is Chewbacca?

**Narrator:** You know, the big wookie who helps Luke & Han Solo.

**Author:** YOU IDIOT! Luke doesn't even exist yet! That's all in book 4! Why the heck are you even mentioning it here?

**Narrator:** Well it's not my fault we live in an alternate dimension where time doesn't exist! I can't help it if I confuse the past present & future….which don't even exist here.

**Qui-gon: **He has a point.

**Author:** Fine, whatever, just stick to the script & current decade for now.

**Dory:** Ok ok ok… Mr. Bossy.

**Author: **WHAT THE FREAKING HECK ARE YOU DOING HERE YOU STUPID FISH!

**Dory:** Uh…..hmmm…..I don't really know…..

**Obi-wan**: Oooooh sushi!

*slices Dory in half with lightsaber*

**Author:** What is it with characters always popping up in my stories?

**Dory:** *now finely sliced*

**Narrator:** I dunno, maybe it has something to with the fact that, moviewise, we're only about 5 minutes in, yet we're already in the second chapter here. That doesn't really say that much for progress.

**Dory:** *now resembles mush*

**Obi-wan:** Hey, I thought you guys were outside time and all that. So how come you're worried about this story's progress?

**Author:** BECAUSE IM ON A FREAKING DEADLINE HERE…..LITEREALLY!

**Dory:** *completely disintegrated*

**Qui-gon**: *sigh* Amateurs, this is how you do it.

*shoves lightsaber down Nemo's throat & disintegrates him in under 2 seconds*

**Obi-wan:** Nice.

**Qui-gon:** You still have much to learn, my young padawan.

**Author: **I'm doomed.

**Qui-gon:** *checks immanent future* Nope, not for at least a week…or at this rate, a chapter**.**

**Author:** Well that's a relief.

**Qui-gon:** *beams happily* Just glad to be of service.

**Author:** Sarcasm is a foreign language to you, isn't it?

**Qui-gon:** *completely ignorant*

**Author:** *sigh* Never mind.

**Narrator:** ANYWAY…..the droid sees through their 'disguise' & alerted his superiors.

**Nuke Gunray: **What? What did you say?

**Droid:** The ambassadors are Jedi knights I believe.

**Fed dude**: I knew it, they're here to force a settlement.

**Nuke Gunray:** Distract them, I will contact Lord Sidious.

**Fed dud:** Are you brain dead….

**Narrator:** Well….

**Fed dude:**….I'm not going in there with two Jedi, send a droid.

**Droid:** *outside door to meeting room*

Uh, why am I wearing this costume?

**Droid #2:** it's the sacrificial costume for the Englodor tribe, they wear it before they are thrown down a volcano.

**Droid:** so, why am I wearing this?

**Droid #2:** because they sent you into this room so that you end up dying instead of them.

**Droid**: *walks into room* Who would bother killing a droid?

**Obi wan:** *slices droid in half* Wohoo! Uh, ooops, I think I got a little carried away in this training session master.

**Qui-gon:** never mind, it's just a droid.

**Obi-wan:** What was it wearing?

**Qui-gon:** Hmmmm, some sort of flowers, some daisy chains, a couple of Tylexian man eating roses. Oh, and it was carrying some Fanta.

**Obi-wan:** *stares hard at Fanta* I'm watching you.

**Fanta:** *gurgles innocently*

**Battle droids:** *arrive outside door*

**Captain: **Check it out corporal, we'll cover you.

**Corporal:** Roger roger.

**Corporal:** *opens door* Woah, what's with the smoke?

**Lightsabers:** *flick on*

**Droid #5:** Awwwww, Christmas lights!

**Qui-gon:** *attacks*

**Droids #1 2 3 4 5 6 7:** *die*

**Captain:** Blast em!

**Corporal:** Disengaging safeties.

**Droids #8 9 10:** *died 2 minutes ago*

**Corporal & Captain:** *open fire*

**Qui-gon: ***slices them in half* Uh, Obi-wan, are you there?

**Obi-wan:** *crawls out of under barricade of chairs, desks, tables, cats ect.* Uh, yes master.

**Qui-gon: **What were you doing there?

**Obi-wan:** Screaming like a gir…uh, checking for any traps the enemy may have set.

**Qui-gon:** Right…

**Fanta:** *laps against Obi-wan's shoe*

**Obi-wan**: *screams like a girl*

**Narrator:** This guy is pathetic, where did you hire him?

**Author:** At the $2 shop.

**Narrator:** What? You hired him for $2?

**Author:** No, I bought a pot plant, and they threw him in for free.

**Narrator: **Oh, ok.

Anyway, our two hero's successfully evade the Federation's first attempt to kill them, and they happily stroll down towards the bridge to kill, maim, slaughter and force-_* anyone who gets in their way.

* take your pick: push, pull, choke, grab an object & stab, grab an object & disembowel, use the force to give their opponent appendicitis or ninja-kick.


	3. Chapter 3

**Narrator:** When we last left off, our hero's were calmly waltzing down the pathway of destruction, annihilating droids left and right and….er…..Obi-wan, what are you doing?

**Obi-wan** *stops mid-waltz with droid* Um, you said we were waltzing down the pathway

**Narrator:** Not literally!

**Ob-wan:** Then why did you say it?

**Narrator**: It's an idiom.

**Obi-wan:** No, Qui-gon's an idiot!

**Qui-gon:** Why you little! *force chokes Obi-wan*

**Narrator:** Hey guys, Hey, HEY!

**Qui-gon & Obi-wan:** What?

**Narrator:** I said idiom, not idiot.

**Qui-gon:** *pulls out dictionary* Hmmm, true, though your original meaning was unclear.

**Obi-wan:** *grabs dictionary* Hmmmm….unclear….unclear…..ah, here unclear: see vague. *flips through dictionary* vague: see indistinct hmmmmm.

**Narrator: **This could take a while…

**Obi-wan**: Indistinct: see imprecise.

**Qui-gon:** Shouldn't this story keep moving?

**Narrator:** Good point. So, our two heroes (with Obi-wan still looking through his totally useless dictionary) make it all the way to the door to the bridge, which, unfortunately, is triple locked.

**Nute Gunray**: There, that will hold them.

**Narrator:** But the powerful master Jedi was not done yet; he drove his light saber through the door, causing it to heat up and fall apart.

**Fed dude**: I knew we should have paid more for that door.

**Nuke Gunray:** Where are those droidekas?

**Fed dude:** Uh, what droidekas?

**Nuke Gunray:** The droidekas I told you to get to kill the Jedi!

**Fed dude:** Uh, no you didn't.

**Nuke Gunray:** WHO FREAKING CARES WHETHER I DID OR DIDN'T! JUST GET ME THOSE DROIDS!

**Fed dude:** Ok.

**Droidekas:** *appear*

**Droidekas:** *use shields*

**Obi-wan: **Imprecise: see inexact.

**Qui-gon**: Why do I have to do everything myself?

**Narrator:** Actually, I'm the one who does most things around here, you just talk, and I'm the one who actually moves you around.

**Qui-gon:** Just shut-up & get me out of here!

**Narrator**: Ok ok ok. So Qui-gon grabbed Obi-wan and fled up a ventilation shaft, because, as everyone knows, a ventilations shaft is the perfect place to hide, because you can travel anywhere in the building, and your enemies will never think of looking for you there. To add to that, they never hear the massively loud echoes that come out of ventilation shafts.

**Author**: Can you please stop insulting me.

**Narrator:** I'm just saying, if the Fed's had half a brain, they'd do an infrared scan of the ventilation shafts, find the Jedi, then gas them.

**Author:** Well if you haven't noticed already EVERYONE IN THIS FREAKING STORY IS AN IDIOT!

**Obi-wan: **Inexact: see wrong.

**Author:** You see my point.

**Narrator:** Hey, you hired them.

**Author:** No I didn't, my wife did.

**Narrator**: Who the heck would be stupid enough to marry YOU?

**Author:** Well…

**Narrator:**… good point, let's forget this conversation shall we?

**Author:** Agreed.

**Narrator:** So, our two heroes eventually, and after some minor and irrelevant incidences, find their way to the docking bay, only to find….

**Qui-gon:** It's an invasion army. We must contact the Naboo, and speak to Chancellor Vallorum.

**Obi-wan:** Wrong, see immoral.

**Qui-gon:** *sigh* Why am I always stuck with the idiots?

**Obi-wan: **Immoral, see depraved.

**Qui-gon:** I should really burn that stupid book, okay; we'll stow aboard separate ships and meet down on the planet.

**Narrator**: Hey, who died and made you king?

**Obi-wan:** Depraved: see degenerate.

**Qui-gon: **Well, you see there was this really old guy on this planet near the …

**Narrator:** SHUT UP! That was rhetorical! It means you don't have to answer because either I already know the answer, or I don't care!

**Qui-gon:** Well hey, I'm the master Jedi here, I should at least be able to make some tactical decisions without you always butting in.

**Author:** Shut up you two, only losers ask these stupid questions, are you losers?

**Qui-gon:** No.

**Narrator:** Rhetorical Qui-gon.

**Qui-gon:** Why you…*force chokes narrator*

**Narrator**: *dies*

**Qui-gon**: Uh-oh.

**Author:**…..ah well, thanks for getting that idiot off my back.

**Qui-gon:** Huh?

**Obi-wan:** Huh? Oh here we are….degenerate see retard.

**Qui-gon:** Sorry, ignore him. Why were you glad?

**Author:** Well you just kicked another idiot out of my story.

**Qui-gon:** Yeah, but how are you going to finish it now? You don't have a narrator?

**Author**: I think I can think of someone…finally…my story is idiot free!

**Obi-wan**: Retard, see idiot…hmmmmm…..idiot….hey, cool, there's a picture of me here!

**Author:** Well, almost.


	4. Chapter 4

**Author**: So what makes you think you're qualified to be my narrator?

**Applicant # 44253**: Well, I've not really had too much experience, although I have studied in the Alteronian school of the dramatic arts and…

**Author:** NEXT! *sigh* *turns to secretary* How many have we seen already?

**Secretary:** Well, if you count that guy, that makes…. three.

**Author: ***cringes* I'm going to be here all day!

**Secretary**: well if you want to get out of here then just hire someone.

**Author:** Who? So far we've had a serial pyromaniac, a lawyer and a drama queen.

**Secretary:** Actually, no, the drama queen hired their lawyer after you fired their fist disguise.

**Author:** YOU MEAN ONLY ONE PERSON HAS APPLIED!

**Secretary:** Yes, but they also applied for a lawsuit.

**Author: **I'm doomed…..that's it, I don't care who comes through that door next, HIRE THEM!

**Secretary:** But!

**Author: **NO BUTS!

**Obi-wan:** Awwww man! *stands up*

**Author:** *sigh* Come on, let's get back to the story, our new narrator should be there soon.

**Narrator:** Hello, so tell me, how has your week been?

**Author:** Hey, you're supposed to be telling a story here! 

**Narrator:** Hmmmmmmm, *scribbles on pad of paper* has anger management problems.

**Author:** I DON'T HAVE TEMPER PROBLEMS!

**Darth Maul:** Yes you do, you're temperamental, 50% temper, 50% mental.

**Author:** SHUT UP & GET LOST!

**Narrator**: Not to mention you're probably bipolar too.

**Author**: ! *claps hands over face and clicks heels together* There's no place like home, there's no place like home, there's no place like….

**Darth Maul**: You're pathetic.

**Author:** Yeah! Well you're apathetic! And you're forgetting something very important!

**Darth Maul: **What?

**Author:** You're my character, so I can do whatever I want to you!

**Darth Maul:** Psh, whatever…*chokes himself* ….ga…ga…..ck…*wheezes* okay….okay…*gasps* fine, I'll wait another 15 chapters.

**Author:** Actually, it's only 2 now.

**Darth Maul:** Really?

**Author:** NO! Its 12, now get lost!

**Darth Maul:** *glares at author* I'm watching you… *slips on Fanta* AAAAAH! Stupid Fanta! I'm watching you *glares at Fanta*

**Fanta:** *gurgles innocently*

**Darth Maul:** You are truly sinister.

**Author:** Can we please get back to the story already?

**Narrator:** Okay, so our two heroes eventually make their way down to the planet. Meanwhile, Nuke Gunray was talking to his droid captain.

**Nuke Gunray**: Captain, we've searched the ship and there is no trace of the missing Jedi, they must have gotten on one of your landing craft.

**Droid Captain:** If they're down here sir, we'll find them.

**Fed Dude:** Use caution, these Jedi are not to be underdemeciated.

**Droid:** Er, underdemiciated? This word is not in my vocabulary.

**Fed Dude:** SHUT UP AND GET TO WORK!

**Jedi:** *Sneak across back of screen*

**Narrator:** But do they really need to kill them, I mean, can't we all agree on a peaceful method of communication, you know, universal peace and all that.

**Jedi:** *start having argument*

**Author:** Hello, have you ever read a story where the heroes just sit down with the villains and they talk out their differences? Of course they have to fight!

**Narrator:** but seriously, it could have a detrimental effect on the minds of those reading this story.

**Jedi**: *now having a tea party*

**Author:** If anyone is still reading this story their minds are already messed up. Now please GET ON WITH THE FREAKING STORY ALREADY!

**Narrator:** Okay, now, where was I? Oh, yes, the Jedi fled into the forest, whilst some droids searched for them, and the others headed towards the main city of Naboo, because, as you know, a planet should only really have one big city, because no one in their right mind would ever build more than one city on an entire planet.

**Author:** *snort*

**Narrator:** *ignores author* Qui-gon quickly fled before the oncoming A-ATs.

**Qui-gon: **Could you please pass the sugar?

**Obi-wan:** Certainly master. *passes china cup*

**A-AT: ***close*

**A-AT:** *closer*

**A-AT:** *closer*

**A-AT:** *closest*

**A-AT:** *breathing exhaust fumes down Qui-gon's neck*

**Jar-Jar:** LOOK OUT! *leaps through the air and tackles Qui-gon to the ground*

**Narrator:** Well, that's not exactly how it was supposed to go.

**Qui-gon:** You almost got us killed! Are you brainless?

**Jar-Jar:** Hey! meesa just saved yousa life.

**Qui-gon:** The ability to speak does not make you intelligent. Now are you going to be my slave or what?

**Narrator:** Wait a minute, where's all this coming from, I thought you Jedi were supposed to be against slavery.

**Qui-gon:** Well, I just saved his life.

**Narrator**: Actually no, Jar-Jar just saved yours you retard!

**Qui-gon:** WHY YOU LITTLE! *force chokes narrator*

**Narrator:** *dies*

**Qui-gon:** Oops.

**Author:** I have a feeling we've been through this before.

**Qui-gon:** Yeah, it's like déjà vu.

**Author: **No, I just, I have a feeling we've been through this before.

**Jar-Jar:** Yeah, last chapter you weetardsh.

**Author:** Oh, shut up, I'll go try to find another narrator.


	5. Chapter 5

**Author:** Well, is it done?

**Tech Dude**: Yep, there you go, an Automatic Narrator Creater 1963

**Author:** Uhhhhh, are you sure this thing still works?

**Tech dude: **Hey, you're the cheapo who wouldn't pay more for a better machine.

**Author:** Hmph.

**Sound guy**: K-BURN!

**Author:** What the heck! You've done one line this whole story, then you stay quiet for 4 chapters and NOW you decide it's time to make some noise?

**Sound guy**: K-Sorry.

**Tech dude:** Hold it! What the heck kind of a sound is K-Sorry?

**Sound guy:** *scribbles on a piece of paper* It's a sort of apologetic sound, mixed with a hint of genuineness and deep fried with sarcasm.

**Tech dude:** Oh, ok. Well, I'd better be going.

**Author:** Alrighty then, let's see if we can get this thing going. *fires up machine*

**Narrator:** *appears*

**Sound Guy**: K-appear.

**Narrator:** And who the heck are you.

**Author:** Shut up and tell the story.

**Narrator**:…Well that's rude!

**Sound guy:** K-burn.

**Tech Guy**: Hmmmm, ah, here's your problem. *turns on 'narrator' switch* Now it'll make them narrators, instead of just random guys.

**Author:** Thanks, but…uh…what should I do with this guy?

**Tech guy**: *sigh* *shoots narrator*

**Sound guy**: K-dead.

**Author**: …..Well…that worked….*fires up machine

**Narrator**: *appears*

**Sound guy**: K-appear.

**Author:** SHUT UP ALREADY!

**Narrator:** Huh?

**Author:** Not you!

**Narrator**: ok…..let me see…*looks at script*…ah, here we are!

**Qui-gon: **It's about time too.

**Narrator:** When we last left our heroes, they had just recruited a slave who saved their life….whilst still a free person…..okay, and so, as Qui-gon pulled an incoherently sobbing Obi-wan from under the table and consoled him over the broken china, Jar-jar did some quick thinking of his own.

**Jar-jar:** Hey, why don't wesa go hide before more dwoids shows up?

**Qui-gon: **Do you hear that sound?

*silence*

*still silent*

*the continuation of silence is absolute*

**Author:** WHERE'S THE FREAKING SOUND MAN!

**Sound guy**: *tied up and gagged*

**Author:** Oh, yeah *unties sound guy*

**Sound Guy**: K-eternal gratitude.

**Author:** Yeah yeah, now get on with your job.

**Sound Guy**: *distant roaring, crashing sounds*

**Jar-jar:** Duuuuuuuuuuuuh.

**Qui-gon:** That is the sound of a thousand terrible things heading this way.

**Jar-jar:** Actually, disa sounds more like 50….

**Obi-wan**: If they find us they will whip us to pieces, starve us to death and then burn us alive!

**Jar-jar:** Dat kinda contwadictsh itshelf.

**Qui-gon:** Now shut up and take us to some conveniently located underwater hidden city where you have been banished from but you still can easily waltz past the guards to get inside before they'll stop you.

**Jar-jar:** Er…okay…youse follow me now okeyday?

**Narrator:** After a number of boring and pointless scenarios involving such trivial matters as 'The great thorn in my foot", "The case of the slight rustling noise" and "The curious affair of the cloud that looked more like a daisy than a rose" all of which took up far too much time to go into here, our heroes arrive at a lake.

**Jar-jar**: Weesa going underwater now okeyday?

**Obi-wan:** Errrrr….ummmmm…

**Qui-gon:** What?

**Obi-wan:** Well it's just I sorta….you know….can't really…swim.

**Qui-gon: ***sigh*

**Narrator:** Five minutes later, Qui-gon, Jar-jar and Obi-wan (complete with a purple and yellow floating duck tube to keep him alive) took to the water.

**Jar-jar: ***swims straight downward*

**Qui-gon:** *follows Jar-jar*

**Obi-wan:** Uh, guys? Ummm, how do I get down there?

**Droid:** *shoots flotation device*

**Obi-wan:** *sinks rapidly* NOOOO! SQUEAKER!

**Qui-gon: ***sigh* Now where is Obi-wan?

**Obi-wan: ***falls through portal*

**Captain Tarpos:** Hey yousa! Stoppa dere!

**Narrator:** And so, our beloved heroes are captured in a conveniently located underwater city that cannot be found even with the incredible technology that they have access to.

**Author: **I'm warning you…

**Narrator:** oh fine, so with the fate of a totally useless and irrelevant planet (but with a hot queen) hanging in the balance, everything depends on our heroes managing to avoid any more idiocy.

**Obi-wan:** Oooooh shiny!

**Spear:** *zaps Obi-wan*

**Obi-wan: ***screams like a girl*

**Jar-jar:** How wude!


	6. Chapter 6

**Narrator:** His huge cheeks flobbering around, the great gungan Boss Nass reclined in his seat with a sigh.

**Boss Nass:** *sigh* Yousa cannot bees here, this army of mackineeks up there is you fault.

**Qui-gon:** So? It's your fault you can't speak properly.

**Boss Nass:** HEY! It'sa not meesa fault that my parents dinna give me a proper education. *glares at portraits on the wall*

**Qui-gon:** So all the other gungans act dumb just because you do?

**Boss Nass:** Oh, no, theysa just plain dumb.

**Gungan guard**: So then meesa said, no you don't understand, Isa want to get in the bar, & he was like, no I said watch out for…

**Gungan guard's friend:** Then what?

**Gungan Guard**: Meesa no know, the next thing I knew I was laying peacefully in the middle of the road.

**Author: **AHEM! Can you two idiots please be quiet, we're trying to do a scene here! You two are extras, that means you calmly stand in the background and DON'T TALK!

**Gungan guard**: But meesa…..

**Qui-gon:** *slices off guards tongue with his lightsaber*

**Gungan Guard:** *spontaneously regenerates tongue*

**Gungan guard**: So, what meesa was sayin' meesa…

**Qui-gon:** *slices off gungan head*

**Gungan Guard**: *head regenerates*

**Obi-wan:** *slices through gungan's waist*

**Gungan guard:** *regenerates again*

**Boss Nass: ***sigh* Amateurs. *shoots lower down*

**Gungan guard:** *screams* *doesn't regenerate* *dies*

**Narrator:** You know, had that been in the script, then I could have read it out instead of having all these really messy looking asterixes all over the page.

**Obi-wan:** Yeah yeah.

**Author:** *groan* Why me?

**Narrator**: Because you're an idiot.

**Author: **JUST TELL THE FREAKING STORY ALREADY!

**Narrator**: Alright alright. *reshuffles papers* Now, where were we? Oh, yes. Ahem. So after a brief session of mind control, the Jedi 'borrow' an underwater cruiser and begin the journey through the planet core…..despite the fact that such a tiny ship could never survive the pressure, unless it was ridiculously strong….as we shall soon test….

**Author:** HEY! No spoilers!

**Narrator:** Why, afraid it'll turn away your last fan?

**Author:** I have a fan?

**Narrator:** No, but that line wouldn't have sounded as good if I hadn't said that.

**Author:** Why you little…

**Narrator: **You know, creating new narrators out of that machine does cost you money.

**Author: ***mutters under breath* .

**Obi-wan:** Wow, that's a pretty cool talent, being able to mutter like that.

**Author: ***glares at Obi-wan*

**Obi-wan:** Okay okay, umm what's that massive thing swimming towards us?

**Narrator:** Oh yeah, sorry, umm there's a giant….what the heck is a gooberfish….seriously, what's with these names?

**Obi-wan & Jar-jar:** *screaming*

**Gooberfish:** *bites ship*

**Narrator:** I mean, come on a gooberfish, that sounds just stupid, it sounds like a pathetic puddle of goo stuck in a fish's body.

**Obi-wan: ***screams for his mummy*

**Qui-gon:** You don't even know your mum you idiot, we took you from your parents when you were very young.

**Obi-wan:** *gasps* You…you kidnapped me? You monsters! You mean I could have had a nice normal life like any ordinary kid and grown up with a real family and everything?

**Qui-gon**: Well….yeah, but it's a great honor to be a Jedi.

**Obi-wan:** Suuuuuure, you get to travel the galaxy, meet interesting creatures, and get shot at by them.

**Author:** Uh, guys, you do realize your ship has just been torn apart.

**Obi-wan & Qui-gon:** WHAT!

**Narrator:** What?

**Jar-jar: **Ooh, gooberfish!

**Author: **Yes, idiots, while you were arguing, and if you haven't noticed, you two are dying.

**Obi-wan:** Wait….I can't breathe….

**Narrator:** So in another amazing display of how technology these days can be so much weaker than in the 21st century when they would have taken scuba tanks onboard a submarine, our two heroes are…well…dying.

**Author:** JUST SAVE THEIR FREAKING LIVES ALREADY!

**Narrator:** But I thought you hated them.

**Author:** I do, but if I don't have them, then I can't finish this story!

**Obi-wan:** *almost out of air*

**Narrator:** Okay okay okay, so in some random freak chance, a time/space vacuum opens up right around the Jedi & Jar-jar, sucking them into the…..

**Author:** Oh please… at least make it somewhat believable.

**Obi-wan:** *out of air*

**Narrator:** Like what?

**Author:** I don't know, like a cruiser picking them up or something.

**Obi-wan:** *unconscious*

**Narrator:** But that's stupid!

**Author:** Just do it!

**Narrator:** Okay okay, so, a random underwater cruiser just 'happened' to be passing by to save the Jedi, and decided to give them a lift. The wet and bedraggled Jedi were very thankful to their rescuers….uh, what's up with Obi-wan?

**Obi-wan:** *still unconscious*

**Qui-gon:** He's not breathing.

**Narrator:** *looks at author*

**Author: ***looks at Qui-gon*

**Qui-gon:** What? Oh, no, no way! I so did NOT sign up for this!

**Author:** Come on Qui-gon. Please?

**Qui-gon:** NO!

**Author**: Well then, I guess these pictures of you and your stuffed toy unicorns are going to find their way into the Jedi temple…

**Qui-gon:** Why you….grrrrrrr….fine, but this is the ONLY time….and you burn those pictures afterwards.

**Author**: Deal.

**Qui-gon:** This is so gross…. *gives Obi-wan CPR*

**Obi-wan: ***wakes up* *sees Qui-gon* AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

You were trying to kiss me!

**Qui-gon:** No, just listen you…

**Obi-wan:** CHILD ABUSE! CHILD ABUSE!

**Narrator: **And so, while our hopelessly inadequate heroes argued over the moral values of CPR, the cruiser heads towards the capital city of Nabboo, where the fate of what lunch is going to be seems far more important than the invasion.


	7. Chapter 7

**Narrator:** And so, after a harrowing legal case leaving Obi-wan very rich, and his lawyer even richer, our two heroes arrive in the only human city of Nabboo, since no one would ever be dumb enough to build TWO cities on a single planet.

**Author:** *sigh* Do we have to go through this every time?

**Narrator: **Well, yeah.

**Author:** Look, there's no other way a single droid army could possibly capture a planet unless the population was concentrated in a certain are, therefore, to give these poor fed's a fighting chance, we made the Nubian's really dumb…although, really, they have just as much IQ as most people in this book.

**Narrator: ***snort* Fine, anyway, our two Jedi arrive in the middle of a river in the city, unseen by any of the hundreds of patrol droids, and hide on a bridge that the queen will soon be passing under.

**Qui-gon:** Are you ready?

**Obi-wan: **You bet! *pulls out gold-plated light saber*

**Qui-gon:** *groan* Is that what you spent it on?

**Obi-wan:** I also took out life insurance on you.

**Qui-gon:** WHAT! Why?

**Obi-wan: **Well, duh, they've already offered me a contract for….

**Author:** AHEM! We said we needed someone ELSE to play your part.

**Obi-wan:** …the second book and I don't think they've offered you anything.

**Narrator:** And with this stunning predicament, our author & Qui-gon launch into a furious argument punctuated by many unpleasant phrases, to do with such trivial issues as spoilers and Qui-gon's untimely demise…..all the while avoiding the most amazing thing that has happened in the history of the universe…Obi-wan used his brain!

**Obi-wan: **Actually no, that's what Jar-jar said to do.

**Narrator:** Oh, ok that makes sense.

**Author: ***emerges from fight with Qui-gon* Hey, Narrator!

**Narrator:** Yeah?

**Author: ***straightens tie, smoothes shirt, reattaches limbs* Get on with the story already!

**Narrator:** Oh, yes, now….ummmmm…..oh, the two Jedi jumped down and attacked the small group of guards guarding the queen, the captain of the guards, and a few other guards, who were conveniently also being taken away at the same time. After a brief scuffle, and Obi-wan's constant attempts to work out how to use his light saber without scuffing the finish, the droids were dismantled and the queen saved.

**Queen Amidala:** Eeeeeeew, droid guts.

**Captain Panaka:** Uh, those would be called 'wires', now let's get off the streets.

**Narrator: **And so, after a lengthy discussion in which our heroes discuss all the important things that will shape the storyline, we move on….

**Author:** Hold it! You can't just skip those vital bits of information!

**Narrator:** Why not? When you watch an action movie, all you want to see is the action; nobody likes the boring talking bits.

**Author:** Well…..

**Narrator:** Exactly. So, to cut a long story short, and since this Study Hall period is almost over, and our gracious and omnipresent (at least in this story) master has to study for his exams, we'll skip ahead to when they launch off the planet to escape.

**Sound guy: **BLAM! BLAM! KA-POW! PHEEEEW! PHEEEEW! KA-BLAM!

KA-HIT!

**Pilot:** We're hit!

**Sound guy: ***rolls his eyes*

**Astro droids:** *go outside to fix problem*

**R2D2:** *crashes* *heads outside*

**Narrator: **So, due to his clumsiness, our little droid managed to avoid getting shot, reconfigure the power, recalibrate the guns, and serve everyone fanta.

**Qui-gon:** *sips fanta* Aaaaaaah

**Queen Amidala:** *sips fanta* Aaaaaaaaah

**Obi-wan:** *spills fanta* AAAAAAAAAH! *glares at fanta* You are truly sinister…

**Fanta:** *gurgles evilly*

**Qui-gon:** There's not enough power to get us to Corescaunt, the hyper drive is leaking. We'll have to land somewhere to refuel & repair.

**Obi wan: **Okay *blindfolds himself*

**Narrator:** And, with the true power of pin the tail on the donkey, our young Padawan managed to select the planet of Tattooine from the map.

**Obi-wan: ***looking through travel guide* Hmmm, it's small, out of the way, poor. The Fed's aren't there.

**Captain Panaka:** Oh yeah, *swaggers across room* *trips* Ouch! Ummm, how do you know?

**Qui-gon: **Because it's controlled by the Hutts.

**Captain Panaka:** TThen why don't we just land at the nearest Republic base?

**Qui-gon: **That's too obvious, it's the first place they'd look.

**Captain Panaka:** That's because we'd be SAFE there! And they'd never get past the guards!

**Qui-gon:** Hmm, you have a good point there. Ok, we'll go to the nearest republic base.

**Author:** Wait a minute, Qui-gon, you have to go to Tatooine, to find Anakin.

**Qui-gon:** Who?

**Author:** Never mind, let's just say he's rather important to the fate of the universe.

**Narrator:** Well, actually, if they don't go to Tatooine, then Anakin would never become a Jedi & be able to turn to the dark side & destroy the Jedi, so they'd be saving the universe if they just bombed Tatooine now.

**Author: **HEY! NO SPOILERS IN MY STORY!

**Narrator: **But it's true!

**Author:** Yes, and then everyone would be free to live their boring little lives, and the Clone Wars would never happen, and we wouldn't be able to go home & play Battlefront II after school.

**Narrator: **True, I do enjoy that.

**Author: **So can we get on with this already?

**Narrator:** Ok, ahem. So, with the power of the force agreeing that Battlefront II is better than the lives lost in the forthcoming wars, the Jedi turned the (stolen) Noobian ship towards Tatooine.


	8. Chapter 8

**Narrator:** When we last left our dashingly dumb heroes, they were descending through the atmosphere onto the desert planet of Tatooine, to fix their hyperdrive. Qui-gon left the ship with R2D2 and Jar-jar, since someone with intelligence needed to be in the group. Meanwhile, the devious Queen Amidala had been busy plotting, and Captain Panaka soon caught up with the explorers.

**Panaka:** Wait!

**Qui-gon:** What?

**Panaka:** The queen has asked that you take her handmaiden who looks remarkably similar to the queen with you.

**Qui-gon:** Ooooh, a clone?

**Panaka:** No, those have only recently been ordered from Kamino.

**Author:** Wait a minute, how the heck do you know about THAT? No-one is supposed to know about the clones yet.

**Panaka:** I'm the head of security, it's my job to know.

**Author:** …..So how did you find out?

**Panaka:** I'm just an actor, I don't know.

**Narrator: ***sigh* This is confusing.

**Author:** Indeed, anyway let's just get back to the story, ok?

**Narrator:** Qui-gon quickly scanned the area for a nearby town.

**Qui-gon:** *looking the wrong way* Hmmm, there seems to be nothing in sight

**Jar-jar:** Well, maybe if yousa turn around…..

**Qui-gon: **Shut up! This is hard enough as is. *peer through binoculars*

**Jar-jar:** Sits down to wait.

**Qui-gon: ***still searching*

***5 hours later***

**Qui-gon: ***still searching*

**Tumbleweed: ***rolls past*

*stops*

**Fan:** *placed behind tumbleweed*

**Tumbleweed:** *blows away*

**Jar-jar:** *pokes Qui-gon*

**Qui-gon:** Hey, what was that for…oooh, look, a town.

**Narrator:** *groan* So after 5 hours of searching, Qui-gon finds the town 20 meters behind him. Hey, can we just skip ahead to the part where they find Watto's shop? I don't think I can stand much more of Qui-gon's navigational skills.

**Author:** *wakes up* Huuuuuh, uh, ok…

**Narrotor:** So after many adventures, and being arrested twice, Qui-gon & Jar-jar finally make it to a small scrap dealer…

**Watto:** Chuba da Noya!

**Qui-gon:** Eeeew. Anyway, I need parts for a J-type 32K Nuubian.

**Watto:** Aah, yes Nuubians, we have lots of those, always running around begging other players for money and help. *snort* When I was a noob at least I worked for my own gold.

**Narrator:** ANYWAY! After a long discussion on the dangers of Newbies in gaming situations, Watto & Qui-gon got around to discussing the Hyperdrive.

**Watto:** Speaking of which, how are you planning on paying for this?

**Qui-gon: **I have 20,000 Republic credits.

**Watto:** Republics credits are no good out here, I need something more real.

**Qui-gon:** *tries mind tricks* Reeeeeepuuuubliiic creeeeeediiiiits wiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiill doooooo fiiiiiiiiine

**Watto:** What the heck do you think you are, some kind of Jedi? I'm a Toydarian! Mind tricks donna work on me, only money. No money, no parts, no deal!

**Narrator:** Meanwhile, the queen's 'handmaiden' *cough cough* had met Watto's slave, Anakin.

**Anakin: ***thinks* Oooooooh, hot chick, time to pull out my awesome repertoire of 9 year old pick up lines!

**Anakin:** Duuuuh gyuuuuuuh errrrrrrrrrrrrrrr ummmmmmmm weeeeeeeeeeeell….

**Padme:** Huh?

**Anakin: **Are you a Slimeball?

**Padme:** WHAT!

**Narrator:** We shall draw the curtain of humiliation over the rest of this scene. And while we're at it, why not the whole book?

**Author:** Because I said so.

**Narrator:** No you didn't.

**Author: **Oh, shut up, I'm saying it now!


	9. Chapter 9

**Narrator:** As the curtain of humiliation is withdrawn, it appears that the sheer cuteness of 9 year old kids can defy any insults they sling at you, as Padme has become friends with Anakin, and he decides to invite them over to his house to avoid a conveniently placed sandstorm.

**Anakin: **So, where's your ship?

**Qui-gon:** It's on the outskirts.

**Anakin:** Why'd you park there? There's a perfectly good spaceport right in the middle of town, next to a republic dealer who'd gladly give you all the parts you need.

**Qui-gon:** We didn't want to attract too much attention.

**Anakin:** But….

**Author: **Look kid, we already had this argument two chapters ago, when we decided that Battlefront 2 was worth landing here for.

**Anakin: **Well, if you don't want to do that, you could always apply for a loan to get the money, or maybe do a decent day's work, or maybe even hire a pilot to take you to Corescaunt and then pay him when you get there.

**Qui-gon: **SHUT UP ALREADY! Seriously kid, I'm the Jedi master, so I'm the one who comes up with the really cool plans.

**Anakin:** Oooh I'd like to be a Jedi someday.

**Qui-gon:** *ignores Anakin & looks at nearby poster* Oooh, look, a pod race, maybe we could bet on it.

**Anakin:** Yeah, but only an idiot would bet against Sebulba.

**Qui-gon:** Ok then, who else is racing?

**Anakin: **Well, I'm actually a sort of genius who built a droid & a pod racer from scrap despite the fact that they'd both require lots of expensive pieces to build.

**Qui-gon: **Alright, I'll make Obi-wan fly your pod.

**Anakin:** Seriously, how dumb are you?

**Qui-gon: **Okay then kid, if you're so smart, why don't you fly it?

**Anakin:** Well I kinda was going to already.

**Qui-gon:** Good, now that that's settled, Jar-jar, I need some money to bet with.

**Jar-jar:** uh-oh, mesa no hava da moneeey.

**Qui-gon:** Fine, I'll just offer you up as a slave.

**Jar-ja**r: But mesa already yousa slave, wemember.

**Qui-gon: **Oh, yes.

**Watto:** Hi, I just thought I'd conveniently drop by and accept any bet you make, so who are you going to bet on?

**Anakin:** Say Sebulba.

**Qui-gon:** SHUT UP ALREADY U LITTLE KID! I choose who I bet on, and for that, I'm going to bet on you! See how you like that!

**Anakin: **You do realize nothing changes for me if I lose then?

**Qui-gon:** Why you *censored* little *censored* kid *censored*

**Author:** Hey hey hey, Qui-gon, what's with the swearing?

**Qui-gon: **Huh? I wasn't swearing.

**Author: **Then why did all those censored tags pop up on screen?

**Tag Guy:** Well, I was covering up some rather unfortunate noises Qui-gon was making without his mouth.

**Author:**…..

**Qui-gon:** Hey, come on, what's wrong with a little gas.

**Author:** A little?

**Anakin:** *wearing gas mask*

**Watto: *** wearing gas mask*

**R2D2: ***dead*

**Author: **Though that is quite an ability…

**Qui-gon:** Thank you.

**Narrator:** Ummm, I can't believe I'm actually saying this, but can we get on with the story already?

**Author: **Sure, go for it!

**Narrator:** And so, along with the discovery of Qui-gon's weapon that makes the Death Star look like a water pistol….

**Qui-gon: **What's a death star?

**Narrator:** You'll find out in roughly 30 years

**Qui-gon: **Really?

**Narrator:** No, you'll die before then, so shut up!

**Qui-gon:** WHAT!

**Narrator: **AND SO, as Qui-gon's sobs fade into the background music, our heroes close the bet on the little 9 year old winning a pod race, while our 14 year old 'queen' still waits on her ship…..or does she?


	10. Chapter 10

**Sound Guy:** Dan-da-da-da-daaaaaaaaaan.

**Author:** Hey, what's the music for?

**Sound Guy:** K-made-it-to-chapter-10.

**Author:** Well yes, but why is that a reason to celebrate?

**Sound Guy:** K-only-5-more-chapters-to-go.

**Author:** Well, no not technically, I only promised we would have at least 15 chapters, way back in chapter one.

Sound Guy: K-dang!

**Narrator: **Hey, what the heck kind of a sound is K-dang?

**Author:** Look it's the only way the poor guy can speak.

**Narrator:** So? He doesn't have any rights! You created him out of thin air, remember?

**Author:** Well actually, it was kind of stuffy in there.

**Narrator:** Oh shut up!

**Author:**…

**Narrator:**….

**Author:**….aren't you supposed to say something here?

**Narrator:** No this is the bit where you tell me to get on with the story already.

**Author:**….oh….wait…GET BACK TO WORK ALREADY YOU LAZY SLOBS!

**Narrator: **And so, our heroes decide that Anakin will ride in his spare parts pod in the upcoming pod race. Meanwhile, Qui-gon had caught the gambling fever, and, after subsequently betting his ship, clothes, kidney and grandchildren's souls, he finally agreed to head home.

**Qui-gon:** So, let me see, if Anakin wins…. I win Anakin.

**Jar-jar:** Watta yousa want him for?

**Qui-gon: ***strokes beard attempting to look wise* One can never have too many slaves my young padawan.

**Jar-jar:** Eh?

**Qui-gon:** Oh, wait, wrong idiot, never mind.

**Narrator:** Hey guys, can we stick to the storyline a bit here, I'd like to get us back to Naboo before chapter 15.

**Qui-gon:** But why the heck would we want to go there?

**Narrator:** Something to do with the droid army killing people there, the queen will end up trying to do something brave and heroic.

**Author:** ENOUGH ALREADY! WHAT HAVE I TOLD YOU ABOUT SPOILERS! *shoots Narrator*

**Narrator:** Ooh, raspberry juice…..mmm tastes a little weird…..*dies*

**Author:** Now where's that dratted machine….*throws stuff around in spare room*

**Sound Guy:** CRASH SMASH tinkle tinkle MRREEEEAAAAAAAW!

**Author: **AAAAAAAAAAAAAH! GET OFF ME YOU STINKING CAT!

**Sound Guy: **K-BLAM!

**Author: ***emerges from room sweating profusely & towing a large machine*

Here we are, this should do just fine *presses button*

**Narrator:** well hey!

**Author:** Here's the script, now just get on with it already.

**Narrator:** *sniff* Hmmmmph fine. Ahem, and so, with quite a lot riding on the line, including a jedi kidney, the pod race to decide the fate of the universe, or at least dinner, began tomorrow.

**Author: **What kind of grammar is that, 'began tomorrow' a past tense & a future/present tense word right next to each other? Her Dictatorness Mrs. Lawton would flunk you for that!

**Narrator:** So? I've only been here 5 minutes and I can already tell this story sucks.

**Author:** Shut up! Seriously, why do you narrators always have to be the same? Do you realize that this is the only chapter in this entire book where absolutely NOTHING has happened?

**Narrator:** Well, actually, I think a bit less happened in the first chapter.

**Author:** AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! Just get to the freaking pod race already!

**Narrator: **Okay okay okay. Dawn soon came.

**Sky:** *dark*

*still dark*

*rather conspicuous lack of light*

**Author:** WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON HERE?

**Narrator:** Well, seeing as Tattooine is a planet with two suns, there will come a time when both suns are on the opposite side of the world, causing a rather conspicuous absence of light.

**Author: **BUT I NEED LIGHT FOR MY POD RACE SCENE!

**Narrator:** Well, why don't you create some stupid accident that causes enough natural light for the race to happen?

**Author: **Like what?

**Narrator:** I dunno, maybe something like, 'a giant space rhino smashes the ball into the outfield and sprints as hard as he can, barely makes it safe to third before sliding home with all the grace and poise of a pregnant hippopotamus on steroids, causing a spectator to throw his sunglasses up in the air/vacuum of space thingy, and reflecting enough light to blow up a spaceship, whose radioactive contents bathe the sky of Tattooine green, and cause enough natural light for the pod race to run.'

**Author:** Ok, do it.

**Narrator:** Seriously? If you didn't notice, that was kinda stupid.

**Author: **Look, I don't have much choice here.

**Narrator:** Ok ok, here we go. In a stunning turn of events, a giant space rhino smashes the ball into the outfield and sprints as hard as he can, barely makes it safe to third before sliding home with all the grace and poise of a pregnant hippopotamus on steroids, causing a spectator to throw his sunglasses up in the air/vacuum of space thingy, and reflecting enough light to blow up a spaceship, whose radioactive contents bathe the sky of Tattooine green, and cause enough natural light for the pod race to run.

**Author: **Brilliant!

**Narrator:** Yes, so with the toxic downfall predicted to kill everyone in two days, it suddenly becomes far more important for Anakin to win, so that the Jedi can get their parts and escape to Corescaunt. Until next time, this is your friendly narrator, bringing you whatever our (not so) benevolent creator thinks up.

Until next time folks, don't bother staying tuned but just hope for the best


	11. Chapter 11

**Commentator: **LADIES & GENTLEMEN, ALIENS & PANDIMENSIONAL BEINGS OF ALL PARRALEL UNIVERSES, WELCOME TO THE UNNAMED PODRACE!

**Crowd: ***cheers*

**Commentator: **And so in this unnamed pod race we have a heap of useless competitors & the guy who always wins so no one in their right mind would ever bet against him…

**Padme: ***cough*

**Qui-gon:** What?

**Padme:** Actually he's right.

**Qui-gon: **Huh?

**Padme: **I rest my case.

**Qui-gon:** Okaaaaay…

**Commentator:** And also a local slave boy.

**Crowd member #6748395:** YOU SUCK ANAKIN!

**Qui-gon:** What's that about?

**Anakin:** Oh, I owe him money.

**Qui-gon:** But you're a slave, who would lend you money?

**Anakin: **Weeeeeell he didn't exactly 'lend' me the money.

**Qui-gon:** Oh great…

**Narrator:** And so, as our juvenile delinquent lines up for the start of the pod race gunning his engine, it suddenly becomes apparent how he managed to build this insanely fast pod with no money or possessions to call his own.

**Anakin:** You know it's not my fault I'm a slave, & so you can't blame me for having never gone to school.

**Narrator: **Then how did you know how to build a pod racer?

**Anakin:** Okay, fine, so maybe I didn't exactly 'build' the original one, but I reassembled it okay.

**Narrator:** Wait….reassembled?

**Anakin:** Well they tend to notice if you nick the whole pod at once.

**C3PO:** Oh dear.

**Anakin:** Same goes for droids.

**Narrator:** *glares at author*

**Author:** Hey, what can I say? Budget cuts again.

**Narrator:** How can there be budget cuts already if you never had a budget in the first place?

**Author:** JUST SHUT UP AND READ THE STORY ALREADY!

**Narrator: **Ok ok ok. Ahem, and so the grid was cleared, the engines were fired up, the race was about to begin….

**Jar-jar: **Disa gonna be messy, me no watchin!

**Jabba:** *bites head off rodent & spits it into a gong*

**Sound man: **GONG!

**Commentator:** And they're off! ****

**Narrator:** But sadly for our juvenile delinquent, he had forgotten to steal the instruction handbook, and so, he had left the handbrake on. Meanwhile, all the other pod racers raced off and around the course, except for another one who stalled.

**Anakin:** Oops, ummm, maybe this will work. *pulls random lever*

**Commentator:** And there goes Skywalker! What a stupid name! He will be hard pressed to catch anyone from here, unless of course that's the latest pod released. And it could be, seeing as one of them was reported stolen lately, but since this is a planet full of thieves and pillagers, we're all okay with that.

**Narrator: **And so our young hero/villain races off after the others in his stolen pod racer. Meanwhile, in the lead, Sebulba was busy raining havoc down on everyone who was chasing him.

**Sebulba:** *throws grenade* Mwaaaaaahahahahahaaaaaaaaa

**Podracer#2:** AAAAAAAH!

**Sound guy:** KA-BOOM!

**Podracer #2** *dies*

**Narrator:** And Sebulba heads through the tunnel, followed closely by another pod racer who in turn is followed by others and so on and so forth….wow this is really boring.

**Author:** WHAT THE HECK! THIS IS THE BEST PART OF THE BOOK! DON'T YOU REALISE THAT PEOPLE HAVE BEEN LOOKING FORWARD TO THIS EVER SINCE WE LANDED ON TATOOINE!

**Narrator:** You do realize no one reads these things anyway.

**Author: **JUST SHUT UP! And please….please TRY to make it interesting…..

**Narrator: **Okay, fine. And so as Sebulba leads through a canyon, a group of Tusken Raiders appear brandishing advanced alien sniper rifles, and with all the precision of a headless chicken on steroids, they proceed to pound a desert rat to pieces as the races shoot buy.

**Author:** THEY MISSED?

**Narrator: **Well, yeah…

**Author:** How the heck could they miss? Their sniper rifles calculate everything, even the colour of their target's underwear! How can they miss?

**Narrator:** Look, they're gonna shoot at Anakin later right?

**Author: **Well, yeah, but….

**Narrator:** So they have to be able to miss.

**Author:** True… but….

**Narrator:** OKAY, and as Anakin comes shooting around, they finally manage to hit something, namely a small bird carrying a space disease which would have wiped out half the universe and rendered the other half blind and chronically constipated, but their shots disintegrated it, so that little problem was solved.

**Author:** Okaaaaaaaaaaay

**Commentator: **And so, at the start of the second lap, Sebulba is in the lead, followed closely by a few others who are insignificant, with young Anakin skywalker coming up behind them in that awesomely sick pod.

**Anakin's pod:** *pukes*

**Author:** WHAT THE [censored] JUST [censored] HAPPENED TO THAT [censored] [censored] [censored] POD YOU [censored] [censored] [censored] EXCUSE FOR A [censored] [censored] [censored] NARRATOR?

**Narrator: **I blame the commentator.

**Commentator:** I blame the sun, we should kill it.

**Narrator:** How do you kill the sun?

**Author:** *groans* Just end the chapter.

**Narrator: **And so, as Anakin's extremely ill pod catches up with the leading pack, and the radioactive sky glows green above them, the fate of the universe, and not to mention Battlefront II hangs in the balance.


	12. Chapter 12

**Narrator: **When we last left our dashingly handsome and heroic juvenile delinquent, he was tearing down the track after the race leaders, with his pod puking up the remains of its recently digested meal, which, being petrol, tended to be toxic gasses.

**Anakin:** *gasps* *chokes* *dies* 

**Author:** HEY WAIT! You can't just kill off Anakin now!

**Narrator: **Why not, I never really liked him.

**Author:** Because he has to win the race, so that they can escape the nuclear fallout and so go on to save the universe, then destroy it, then save it again. 

**Narrator:** *sigh* Fine. 

**Author:** You still have to bring him back.

**Narrator: ***snort* And so in a bizarre turn of events a rare wormhole opens up transporting the reader (yes you) back in time to where Anakin was still alive, but luckily this time a passing Ngrwwwyl swallow was passing by and it spat in his face. Now it is a little know fact that Ngrwwwyl swallows spit acts as a gas mask to whatever they spit on.

**Author: **Can you please make it a little believable?

**Narrator:** Why? Just because you have one more person reading this stupid series, it doesn't mean I actually have to try does it?

**Author:** Good point, but my fist does.

**Narrator:** Oh yeah, says who?  
><strong>Author:<strong> Uhhhh… my fist? 

(This line covers up some sadly necessary violence and swearing, and when it ends, everything is as before, except that the narrator is hanging from the roof by his underwear, and is the model of compliance, and the author is also perspiring slightly.) 

**Author:** Now will you get on with this.

**Narrator: **As you wish, Your Excellency.

**Author:** Good. 

**Narrator:** And so, as our supremely amazing and wonderful author speeds up his consideration of when to let me down…

**Author: ***complete ignorance* 

**Narrator:**….We'll go right on with the race. And so Anakin zooms around the bend, right behind Sebulba, who now has his laser cannon opening fire on the other racers.

**Sound Guy: **NYEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAW NYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEEAW ZZZZZZHIIIIW ZZZZZZHIIIIIW K-SMURF  
>Author: wait, what the heck kind of sound is K-smurf?<p>

**Sound Guy:** K-a-little-blue-sound.

**Author**: Ok, that makes sense. 

**Narrator:** *underwear finally rips* AAAAAAAAAAH *hits ground*

**Sound Guy:** K-SMASH!**  
><strong>

**Author:** Aaaah, that's a nice satisfying sound.

**Narrator: **Actually no, that was your car.

**Author:**…..  
><strong>Sound Guy:<strong> K-Universal-Explosion.

..

…

….

…..

….

….

….

….

…

….

….

….

…

….

**Author:** Are we dead?

**Narrator: **No…..how are we still alive?  
><strong><br>Author:** Hmmmmm, maybe our amazing and ridiculously good looking creator decided that all his fans might get a bit upset if I wiped out his entire universe in my rage.

**Narrator:** So….it's not really your story… 

**Author:** No. 

**Narrator:** So what's the point in arguing with you? I should be arguing with HIM. HEY YOU, THE….*gags* what the heck is going on?

**Author:** You can't insult our benevolent creator, that was one of the rules he made when he created us if you try twice you…..

**Narrator:** HEY U WANNA KNOW WHAT I THINK OF YOU, YOU….

*lightning blows up narrator* 

*fire falls from sky & devours ashes*

*Turtle eats ashes ashes* 

*turtle caught by native fishermen and eaten*

*meteorite falls from sky and kills fishermen*

*elephant eats meteorite* 

*elephant dies of food poisoning* 

**Author:** …..die, wow, that was quick. *walks over to automatic narrator machine* here we go again *pulls lever*

**Narrator:** Well, shall we get cracking?

**Author: **Hmmmmm, must be another glitch, oh well.

**Narrator: **And so, Anakin rode home on the shoulders of the screaming and cheering crowd. 

**Author:** HEY WAIT! What happened to the podrace?

**Narrator:** Well, you know you and my predecessor both took so long arguing, they already finished the race.

**Author:** WHAT! 

**Narrator:** Yeah, it was so amazing, you should have seen how Anakin won, it was like, wow! Dude, it was amazing! Like, you had to see it to believe it!

**Author: **So, can we see it? 

**Narrator:** No.

**Author: **Why not? 

**Narrator: **Because Qui gon's already talking to Watto.

**Watto:** You, you swindled me! 

**Qui-gon:** So? 

**Watto: **I lost everything! 

**Qui-gon:** And I care because…. 

**Watto: **You're a Jedi, aren't you supposed to do good or something?

**Qui-gon:** I usually prefer the something part.

**Watto:**….grrrrrrrr…. 

**Qui-gon: **Would you like to take this up with the Hutts?

**Watto:** Actually yes. 

**Qui-gon:**….bye.

**Narrator:** And so, as Qui-gon fled Tattooine, but not before stealing Anakin, his droid and the world's mineral rights, he allowed himself a small grin….before discovering Jar-jar was still on board, and not to mention a rather irate queen.


	13. Chapter 13

**Narrator:** And so ladies and gentlemen, as we once again rejoin our heroes, we find them being interrogated by the queen, who for some reason seems to have firsthand knowledge of everything that happened. Meanwhile young Anakin was scrubbing out Qui-gon's quarters

**Anakin: **Stupid [censored] idiot, who does he [censored] think he is? A Jedi?

**Obi-wan:** Uhhhhh, yes.

**Anakin: **yeah, so what! Why don't you help me?

**Obi-wan: **Because you're the slave, and I'm not.

**Qui-gon:** *over the intercom* Hey, Obi-wan, I just remembered, we need someone to go scrub down the escape pods.

**Obi –wan: **Grrrrrrr.

**Anakin:** *snicker*

**Narrator:** And so, after a lot of onboard bickering and pointless debates over the values of slaves vs. apprentices, the ship lands in Courescaunt, the main city of the Galactic Republic, with all the latest technology.

**Courescaunt:** *sparkling*  
><strong><br>Power station:** *fails*

**Courescaunt:** *blackout*  
><strong><br>Narrator:** And so, after the population once more resorts to candlelight, our two Jedi knights approach the Jedi council, while Anakin heads off to hit on Padme some more.

**Qui-gon:** Well, we got the queen back, but nothing else really happened.

**Master Windu:** What? No reappearance of the Sith after being extinct for a millennium?

**Qui-gon:** Nope.

**Author:** YOU IDIOTS!

**Qui-gon: **Who me?

**Author:** NO YOU! *points at narrator*

**Narrator:** What, why?

**Author:** YOU FORGOT THE SCENE WHERE DARTH MAUL ATTACKS BEFORE THEY LEAVE TATTOOINE!

**Narrator:** Actually no, we had to cut that out.

**Author:** Why?

**Narrator:** Remember, Maul took a pay cut since he wouldn't appear until chapter 15.

**Author: **Who made that deal?

**Narrator:** We did, back in chapter one.

**Author:** This book is a failure…

**Narrator: ***stunned* So you finally admit it. Are you going to quit now?

**Author:** HECK NO!

**Narrator: **And so with a little time warping and mind altering, the storyline changes yet again.

**Qui-gon:** I don't know what it was, but it was well trained in the Jedi arts.

**Windu:** How do you know that?

**Qui-gon:** He had some nice paintings on the back of his speeder.

**Windu:** Oh, okay.

**Qui-gon:** Oh yeah, I found a slave that has a really cool midi-chlorian count.

**Yoda:** High how?

**Qui-gon:** He kicked your butt.

**Council:** *impressed*

**Qui-gon:** So can I ditch Obi-wan & train him instead?

**Obi-wan**: WHAT! *bursts into tears*

**Windu:** But why do you want to drop Obi-wan?

**Obi-wan:** *sobbing pathetically*

**Qui-gon: **You see?

**Windu:** Very well, how old is this slave of yours?

**Qui-gon: **Nine.

**Sound guy: **BUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

**Windu: **Too old.

**Qui-gon:** Dang it man, you suck!

**Windu:** Kills Qui-gon.

**Narrator:** Hang on guys, Qui-gon can't die yet!

**Windu:** Awwwwwwwwwww.

**Narrator:** I'll bring him back a little more peaceful. And so, in the next of a series of increasingly bizarre and pointlessly stupid random events, a time warp opens up transporting us all back to when Qui-gon was still alive.

**Qui-gon:** Dang it, okay, can I raise him when Obi-wan's dead?

**Windu:** If it'll make you shut up.

**Qui-gon: **YES!

**Obi-wan:** NOOO!

**Narrator:** And so, as the discussion comes to an end, it is discovered that the queen had failed to convince the senate to help her, and so had peacefully set out to declare war on the separatist invaders on her home planet, so of course our Jedi heroes and their two slaves are dragged along the way.

**Jar-jar: **WESA GOING HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOME!

**Anakin:** You mean you are.

**Jar-jar:** Oh, yeah.

**Narrator:** And so, against the background of stars the small Nubian cruiser once again sets of for Naboo, leaving behind them a very puzzled Jedi council.

**Windu: **So, this is the threat we have been facing eh?

**Yoda:** See it not coming, we did.

**Windu:** So I guess there's only one thing to do.

**Yoda: **Agreed we are.

**Narrator: **And so, with loud battle cries the two Jedi masters simultaneously pressed the start button on the controllers and led out their armies in an epic game of Battlefront II.

**Yoda: **Dang, awwwwwww! 

**Windu:** Hahaha!

**Narrator:** And so, as the Queen returns to Naboo, and the heads of the Jedi council play Battlefront II, despite it not yet being released, two robed figures slowly stride across the screen.

**Robed figure:** *walks across screen*

**Narrator: **Hey, where's the other guy?

**Robed figure:** You said you didn't need him until chapter 15.

**Narrator: **He doesn't get to talk, he just has to walk there with you, for a dramatic close to the chapter. Where is he?

**Robed figure:** In Phuket, having the time of his life.

**Narrator:** Are you sure?

**Robed figure:** Pretty sure.

**Fanta:** *gurgles evilly*


	14. Chapter 14

**Narrator: **When we last left our dashingly handsome heroes (& their not so dashing allies) they were flying back to Naboo, for the war of their lifetime.

**Panaka:** Uh, you do realise that as soon as you arrive, they'll get you to sign the treaty then kill you.

**Queen: **Yes.

**Panaka:** So...what are you going to do?

**Queen: **Jar-jar.

**Jar-jar: **Mesa your higness?

**Queen:** No, the slug on the wall. OF COURSE I MEAN YOU! 

**Jar-jar:** Hey, careful with yousa spit.

**Narrator:** And so, ignoring both common sense and hygiene...  
><strong><br>Queen:** HEY!

**Narrator:**...the queen outlines her brilliant plan for world domination.

**Jar-jar: **Uh, is yousa forgotten the part where my bin banished.

**Queen:** I'm sure they want to torture you for a long time, so we should have plenty of time for this discussion.

**Jar-jar:** Why do yousa always have to be takingsh adwantash of mesa?

**Queen: **Because you're a Gungan, because you're small and insignificant, and because we'll turn you over to your boss if you don't help us!

**Jar-jar:** Uhhh, aren't you going to turn me over anywaysh?  
><strong><br>Queen:** True enough.

**Narrator: **And with that parting comment, the small ship landed on Naboo, and Jar-jar was forced to lead the Queen's party to the Gungan's most sacred place.

**Obi-wan:** HAAAAAAAAAAPY BIIIIIIIIIIRTHDAAAAAAAAAAY TOOOOOOOOOOO YOOOOOOUUUUUUU, haaaaaaaaaaaaaapppy biiiiirthdaaaaaaaay ...

**Qui-gon:** *punches Obi-wan in the gut*

**Obi-wan:** *GASP* *chokes* Aaaaaaaaah...WHAT WAS THAT FOR?

**Qui-gon: **What was the singing for?

**Obi-wan:** How can you have a party without singing happy birthday?

**Qui-gon:** You idiot! He didn't mean THAT kind of party. Seriously, look it up in a dictionary!

**Obi-wan: ***pulls out dictionary*

**Qui-gon: **On second thoughts, don't.

**Narrator:** And so, due to time restraints and the fact that our beloved creator doesn't have much time left for writing due to the sheer insanity of taking an AP course, they are suddenly teleported right into the midst of a full Gungan council.

**Boss Nass: **Whosa are yousa?

**Queen: **I am Queen Amidala of the Naboo. 

**Padme:** *snort*

**Queen: ***in a voice heavily layered in sarcasm* Oh, sorry, would you like to do this one?  
><strong><br>Padme:** *In a voice dripping with honey* Why thank you.

**Boss Nass:** Whosa are yousa?

**Padme:** I am Queen Amildala of the Naboo!

**Qui-gon:** *gulp*

**Obi-wan:** Busted!

**Qui-gon: ***ducking down behind Obi-wan*

**Padme: **This is my decoy, my somewhat loyal bodyguard who I occasionally trust to protect me but for some reason always allow her to.

**Boss Nass: **Okaaaaaaaaay…

**Padme: **I want to make an alliance with you, you send your army up against the droids and die, & I'll do a little SWAT action & capture the viceroy, then we can reclaim the planet...soon I will RULE THE WORLD! MUHUHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHA!

**Boss Nass:** And why should I help you?

**Padme:** *motions to Qui-gon*

**Qui-gon: ***using mind control* You want to let all your warriors die by declaring war on the droids.

**Boss Nass: **Hmmmmmmm, maybe...

**Obi-wan:** We have cookies!

**Boss Nass:** DONE!

**Padme:** We'll also help you a little bit by sending our pathetically weak fighters to attack this massive blockade of battleship & hopefully kill the droid control ship, despite the facts that our weapons aren't strong enough to break their shields.

**Qui-gon: **An excellent plan, but there's an even greater risk... do we have anything to drink?

**Narrator:** So as the Gungan army marshals, and the droid army marches out...well is packed into weird hovertransport thingys, A transmission is played between the Federation and the unknown dude in the black hood.

**Creepy dude in black hood: **This could work to our advantage...  
><strong><br>Narrator:** DUH!


	15. Chapter 15

**Narrator**: And so, when we last left that creepy dude in the black hood, he was saying…

**Creepy dude in black hood: **This could work to our advantage.

**Darth Maul:** YES FINALLY IT IS MY TURN TO SPEAK! After 13 chapters of utter silence and torment, I am finally about to make my return, soon, the world shall cower before my power! MUHUHAHAHAHAHAHA!

**Narrator: **Uh, Maul, you're supposed to wait for him to finish, remember, he's your master.

**Maul: **Oh, yeah, sorry.

**Creepy dude in black hood: ***continues* Darth Maul, be mindful, let the Jedi make the first move.

**Maul: **Yes, my Lord.

**Sound guy:** *plays creepy music as screen fades*

**Narrator: **And so, as the Federation sends out their massive droid army, the gungans send out their army, the Queen's SWAT team prepares for battle, and Darth Maul…..well, he's not really doing anything right now.

**Nuke Gunray: **So, what exactly are your plans?

**Maul:** Hmmm, how about I kill the Jedi, then everyone without a nose?

**Nuke Gunray: **Huh?

**Maul: **Well I grew up on a planet where everyone has a nose, and we all know people without noses are whiners.

**Nuke Gunray:** Whaaa?

**Maul: ***sips Fanta very racistly*

**Narrator: **And on that note, the federation representatives leave the room, and Maul prepares to kill the Jedi.

**Maul: **Hmmm, maybe a giant laser cannon to blow them apart when they enter the room…

**Author:** Hey wait, you can't just use a giant laser cannon, you're a sith, you have to fight the Jedi with your lightsaber!

**Maul: **But this way I'll win easily, and my master did tell me to be careful. 

**Author:** But it'll destroy the storyline if you do that, trust me, you have to use your lightsaber, besides, you're the only one with a double-sided lightsaber.  
><strong><br>Maul:** Fine. *picks up the lightsaber very racistly*

**Narrator: **Meanwhile, back on some fields so green they must have been digitally created, the droid hovertransports were unloading.

**Sound guy: **Whoosh eeeeeeeeergh ngyaaaaaaw jhsdkfguysejkf

**Author: **Hey, what was that last one?

**Sound guy:** K-malfunctioning droid.

**Author: **Oh, ok.

**Narrator:** Meanwhile, Jar-jar Binks has to serve out the rest of his sentence in the most deadly position ever, the gungan back line. Following age old tradition that everyone shoot the general first, the gungans quickly adapted by using a fake general, and disguising the real one in the army, the only drawback of this brilliant plan being that no one ever knew what they were supposed to do in battle.

**Captain Tarpos: **Starting up the shield!

**Shield:** *covers gungan army*

**Droid commander:** Open fire!

**Droid gunships:** *open fire uselessly on shield*

**Narrator: **Some time later…

**Droid #43525: **Ummmm, got any threes?

**Droid #43526: **Go fish.

**Droid commander: **Ummm got any kings?

**Droid # 43527: **Go fish.

**Droid commander:** This sucks, cease fire.

**Droid #543:** *pours bucket of water over campfire*

**Droid commander: **Oh, yeah, cease fire.

**Droid gunships: ***cease fire*

**Narrator: **And so, the droid army advances on the gungans purposefully, loaded guns in their arms. Meanwhile back up on the droid control ship, the guy in charge of the battle was getting a little bored & was playing solitaire, unfortunately…..

**Fed dude: **Aaaaaaaah! No! I just erased their brains!  
><strong><br>Narrator: **But luckily for the fed dude, it has long been proven that creatures without brains are able to talk, eat, sleep & run for office, or in the case of droids, fight…..one way or another.

**Droids: ***advancing on gungans*

**Gungans:** *hiding behind shields*

**Droid#2561345:** CHARGE! *throws gun in the air and runs at gungans*

**Droid commander:** Why not? *follows quickly*

**Narrator: **And so, what was supposed to be a complex, futuristic battle between the forces of good and evil, simply degenerates into your average bar room brawl, with no holds barred.

**Jar-jar: ***throws chair at droid*

**Droid#8754**: *smashes beer bottle over gungan soldier's head*

**Captain Tarpos: **Cavalry, charge!

**Narrator: **And so the gungan cavalry charged the droid line, shattering through them and dealing software-crashing blows on every side. However, their luck was not to last, as a droid suicide bomber ran under the giant animal/mythological beast thingy carrying the shield generator, and then…..

**Sound guy:** K-BOOOOOOOOOOM!

**Gungan soldier: **Uh-oh…

**Droid #64573: **Uh does this mean we win?

**Droid#67358:** Roger, but our gunships will probably shoot us down with the gungans.

**Droid #64573: **Hmmm, shall we run for our lives?

**Droid#67358:** Ooh yes, lets.

**Narrator: **And so, both the gungans and the droids fled the official battle scene from the attacking gunships, to finish their brawl, and settle and debts with a nice kick in the groin, although, it's more painful for the gungan when he's doing the kicking.  
><strong><br>Gungan: **OUCH! *jumps around holding toe* 

**Narrator:** And so, as the fate of the most insignificant planet in the universe hangs in the balance, we'll take a look at how the SWAT operation is going…..in the next chapter:

**Maul:** May the dark side of the mv^2/r be with you.

**Narrator:**….Okaaaaaaay.


	16. Chapter 16

**Narrator**: When we last left our heroes/ines, they were preparing to do a little SWAT action on the Federation Viceroy, Nuke Gunray, and kidnap him to end the war….which they started in the first place…okaaaay…

**Padme: **Yeah, well, they blockaded our planet.

**Narrator:** Hey, one minute here, what was this blockade for?****

**Padme: **They were stopping our deliveries of cheese.

**Narrator:** …*face palm* So you're telling me, that a universal war will happen because of cheese?

**Padme: **Never underestimate the power of cheese.

**Maul: ***nibbles cheese very racistly*

**Author:** Um, hello? Can we get back to the storyline here, please?  
><strong><br>Narrator:** Oh, yeah, and so, having geared up to fight their way into the palace, the SWAT team, two Jedi, and the queen moved in to begin their operation, in the meantime Captain Panaka led his men in a diversion.

**Panaka:** Ooooooooooooooooh the macarina! *dances the macarina in front of staring droids*

**Droids: ***have system overload and self-destruct*

**Human guard #4:** I think I'm gonna be sick *hurls*

**Narrator:** And so, with that somewhat disturbing diversion, the SWAT team enters the palace, knocking out a few droids just for good measure. And then they decide to take a little detour through the hanger to kill a few extra droids, unfortunately…..  
><strong><br>Padme:** Uh-oh.

**Obi-wan: **Again?

**Qui-gon: **Oh joy, more droidekas.

**Narrator:** And so our Swat team was pinned down under heavy fire, until our juvenile delinquent decided to do something.

**Anakin:** Hmmm nice fighter *breaks into fighter ship*

**Qui-gon:** Anakin: stay in that cockpit, you'll be safe there.

**Anakin: ***sniff* You, you mean you actually care about me?

**Qui-gon: **No, but I want my car washed this weekend.

**Anakin:** Oh, okay. *shoots droidekas & escapes into space* SO LONG LOSERS!

**Qui-gon:** Dang it!

**Anakin: **Hmmmmmm, there seems to be a fight up ahead, oh well, time to do what I do best.  
><strong><br>Author:** Oh, & what's that, use hopeless pick-up lines?

**Anakin: **SHUT UP! It means I blow stuff up! 

**Author:** yeah, like any chance you ever had of getting a girl

**Narrator:** MEANWHILE! The Naboo fighters were attacking the droid control ship & the droid fighters.

**Pilot#1:** The shield is too strong, we can't break it!

**Pilot#2: **Well why don't we fly into the hanger & blow it up from the inside?  
><strong><br>Pilot#1: **Are you kidding me? Who'd be dumb enough to leave the hanger shields down?

**Fed Dude:** Hmmmm, my ears are burning, strange.

**Pilot#1: ***blows up*

**Pilot#2: ***dead five minutes ago*

**Anakin:** Wohooo, now I just have to make sure I don't get shot.

**Droid fighter: ***shoots Anakin*

**Anakin:** Noooooooo, my free soft drinks machine! *spins out of control towards a crash landing*

**Author:** Uh Narrator, now would be a good time.

**Narrator: **Oh, fine. In an unprecedented series of amazing coincidences, a space rabbit pooped into a wormhole, which landed in a giant's eye on the planet Beattheheckoutofanything causing him to go on a rampage beating the heck out of anything he came across, which cause a massive war, which involved the firing of an interplanetary ballistic duck, who crash landed, causing a young butterfly to lose all his friends, causing him to go mad with grief and eat a flower, which happened to be radioactive, which turned him into a mutated space butterfly who flew past the viewports of a space ship, causing everyone on board to stare at it until they crashed, causing the company to invent a thing called 'autopilot', which is the very thing that now saved Anakin. 

**Anakin's ship:** Autopilot activated.

**Narrator:** Suddenly, Anakin's ship spun around, attacking all the droid fighters and blowing them up before entering the hanger bay.

**Anakin:** Wow, I am so AWESOME!

**Narrator:** Actually no, that was the autopilot.

**Anakin: **Why would someone ever invent an autopilot?

**Narrator:**…..It's a long story.

**Anakin: **Awwwww, hey look, there's droids wandering towards my ship, I wonder if they want a hug?

**Narrator: **By the looks of things, they want to play catch the red laser beam with you.

**Anakin:** Sweet.

**Narrator: **Why me?

**Author:** Ah, sweet revenge.

**Narrator: **Why do you want revenge on me? It's predecessors you wanted to kill….and you kinda did.

**Author:** Just shut up & finish the battle scene already.

**Narrator: **So then our beloved narrator leaned down from the heavens and calmly pressed the fire button on Anakin's controls, causing the fire to hit the main reactor, and as Anakin raced out of the ship…..

**Sound guy:** K-BOOM!

**Narrator: **I was hoping for something a little bigger.

**Sound guy:** K-BOOM!...K-?

**Narrator:** Bigger!

**Sound guy:** K-sorry ….K-ahem….. 

K-BOOM!

**Narrator:** Much better.

**Sound guy:** K-you're welcome. 

**Narrator: **And so, as Anakin raced back to Naboo, the Swat team came to a large double door, which slowly opened to reveal…..

**Sound guy:** DUNDUNDUNDUUUUUUUN  
><strong><br>Maul:** *grins very racistly*

**Qui-gon: **We'll handle this.

**Padme: **We'll take the long way.

**Qui-gon & Obi-wan:** *remove their cloaks*

**Maul:** *removes his cloak very racistly*

**Qui-gon: **Uh, Obi-wan, we only remove our cloaks.

**Obi-wan: **Oh, sorry *puts back on his clothes*

**Qui-gon: ***glances away embarrassedly*

**Maul:** *glances away very racistly*

**Obi-wan: **Okay, now I'm ready.

**Narrator:** And so, our Jedi heroes prepared to face off against the greatest threat they had ever fought, meanwhile, no so very far away…..

**Fanta: ***gurgles evilly*


	17. Chapter 17

**Narrator: **And so, when we last left our heroes, Obi-wan had just put his clothes back on, and the powerful Jedi were about to face the might of a Sith.

**Obi-wan & Qui-gon:** *activate lightsabers*

**Maul:** *activates double-sided lightsaber very racistly*

**Obi-wan: **Wow, that's so cool! Can I have one?

**Qui-gon: **Only if you kill him.

**Obi-wan:** awwww man.

**Narrator:** Ahem, guys, you're supposed to be fighting now.

**Qui-gon: **Oh yeah! *ducks under Maul's swing*

**Obi-wan: ***squeals like a girl & ducks*  
><strong><br>Qui-gon: **Why do I have to do everything myself?

**Narrator: **And with that conveniently true statement...

**Qui-gon: **It was a question.

**Narrator:**... The Jedi master began a complex series of attacks, flanked by Obi-wan, as he attempted to breach the Sith's defence. But all his efforts were for naught as the fighting continued inside the building and into a room full of platforms without guardrails and with weird glowing energy beams reaching from the roof to the floor.

**Obi-wan: **This is outrageous, a complete breach of security protocol. Why, someone could fall right off...  
><strong><br>Maul: ***kicks Obi-wan off platform* 

**Obi-wan:** *falls*  
>*continues falling*<br>*still falling*  
>*splattered on ground*<p>

**Qui-gon:** Ooops.

**Author: **WHAT! You can't kill off Obi-wan now!

**Narrator: **What? You should have said something while he was falling, I gave you plenty of time to intervene!

**Author: ***sigh* Bring out the automatic narrator creator!

**Narrator:** Why? I'm still alive.  
><strong><br>Author:** Not anymore *shoots narrator* now, for the next narrator. *flips switch*

**Narrator:** *appears*  
><strong><br>Author:** Now to turn the knob from 'narrator' to the conveniently placed 'Obi-wan.' *turns knob & flips switch*

**Obi-wan:** *appears* HIYAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

**Author**: Why did I buy a faulty machine?

**Narrator:** *snickers*

**Author: **Oh shut up and get on with it!  
><strong><br>Narrator: **Ok, so our newly re-energized Obi-wan leaps over several platforms in a desperate chase to catch up with his master, who was still dueling Darth Maul.

**Qui-gon:** *forcing Maul back*...*starting to win*

**Narrator: **When suddenly, just as Obi-wan was catching up, in an amazing coincidence, the laser doors activated all down the hallway, separating the combatants, even more unfortunately for Obi-wan, he was running too fast to stop.

**Obi-wan: ***stops running*...*slides*...*disintegrated by laser door*

**Narrator:** Oops.

**Author:** *groans* *flips switch*

**Obi-wan:** *reappears*

**Narrator:** And so, separated by laser doors, they all do what they do best.

**Obi-wan: ***combs hair* hmmmmm, I wonder if the heat from these laser doors will affect the wax?

**Qui-gon:** *meditates*

**Maul: ***opens a bag of Doritos* Mmmmmmmmm...

**Narrator: **Suddenly, they all felt a change in the force, they quickly scrambled to assume a good pose before the doors reopened. With a loud noise...

**Sound guy:** K-shwwsh!

**Narrator:**...? Okay... the doors opened and Qui-gon and Maul resumed their duel, while Obi-wan carefully walked down the hall, with a perfectly measured stride, making sure not to mess up his hair.

**Qui-gon: **I could use a little help here!

**Obi-wan:** But if I come too quickly I'll mess up my hair!

**Laser doors:** *close directly on Obi-wan*

**Author:** OH COME ON ALREADY! THAT'S THE THIRD TIME THIS CHAPTER! *flips switch*

**Obi-wan:** *reappears...again*

**Narrator: **However, Obi-wan was stuck behind the last laser door and was forced to watch helplessly as his master dueled Darth Maul. Qui-gon fought well, and had the upper hand, but there was another force at work here, one who had been plotting his demise since the start of this retarded tale...

**Qui-gon:** *slips on Fanta & falls*

**Obi-wan:** NOOOOOOOOO!  
><strong><br>Maul:** *stabs Qui-gon very racistly*

**Qui-gon: **Ouch!

**Narrator:** And Qui-gon fell...well continued lying on the ground, but now with a massive stab wound through his stomach. Then Darth Maul spoke.  
><strong><br>Maul:** You had Corn Flakes for breakfast?

**Narrator: **He asked very racistly. But before Qui-gon could reply, the laser doors opened and Obi-wan jumped through.

**Obi-wan: **HIYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! *leaps forward*  
><strong><br>Maul: ***sidesteps*...*sticks out foot*

**Obi-wan:** *trips over edge of a hole*

**Narrator:** But before the author can yell at me about this inconveniently placed hole, Obi-wan grabbed on to a pointless circular thing which was on the wall of the hole.

**Maul**: *kicks Obi-wan's lightsaber over the edge of the hole very racistly*

**Obi-wan: ***thinking* Hmmmmmm, I could use the force to call qui-gon's lightsaber to me, then I could cut Darth Maul in half… HEY, I know, I'll use the force to give him a heart attack, that'd save a heck of a lot of time and energy!

**Maul: ***clutches at chest very racistly*

**Obi-wan:** Haha!

**Narrator: **And so maul fell off the edge and straight down the hole to somewhere that is insignificant in this story.

**Maul: ***dies very racistly*

**Narrator: **And so, with the demise of one of the Sith, Queen Padme Amidala approaches the throne room with her SWAT team, ready for anything...except what comes next...


	18. Chapter 18

**Narrator:** When we last left our heroes, their numbers had halved, so now I guess I should just say hero….but wait, it seems that Qui-gon was not entirely dead yet, and he still had the energy to say some final words of advice to Obi-wan.

**Qui-gon: **…and great-aunt Agatha can have the piano, but not the furniture, and swear to me Obi-wan, you won't let those Sackville-Baginsees have my spoons.

**Obi-wan:** I swear master.

**Qui-gon: **Swear jar.

**Obi-wan:** Dang it! *puts 1 republic credit in the swear jar*

**Qui-gon: **Oh, yeah, I guess I should leave my slaves to you as well….. *signs will and dies*

**Obi-wan:** Noooooooooo! *sniff*

**Narrator: **And with that incredibly touching moment, and Obi-wan realizing that all Qui-gon had left him was Jar-jar and Anakin, we move along to where the queen and her SWAT team were about to enter the throne room, when suddenly…

**Droid:** Halt or we will kill you.

**Padme:** You and what army?

**Droid: **Uhhhhh, how many are required to make an army?

**Padme:** *shoots droid*

**Droid: ***dies* (at least in the vague sense of a robot dying)****

**Droidekas**: *surround the SWAT team*

**Padme: **Oooooh, THIS army. Okay, we surrender.

**Narrator: **And so as we skip past the boring bit where they walk to the throne room & meet Nuke Gunray, the viceroy smiles an evil smile.

**Nuke Gunray: **Your little insurrection is at an end, your highness, now, I'm feeling both bored and generous, so tell me a story or I will shoot you, and when your story is finished, I will shoot you anyway muhuhahahaha!

**Narrator:** …the viceroy laughed an ugly laugh. Padme thought…..

**Padme: **He'll kill me if I do, he'll kill me if I don't, there's only one way out of this…

**Narrator:** Padme cleared her throat and then began her story…

**Padme:** Once there was a slimeball who arrested the queen and said, "Tell me a story or I will shoot you, and when your story is finished I will shoot you anyway muhuhahaha. The slimeball laughed an ugly laugh. The queen thought, "He'll kill me if I do, he'll kill me if I don't, there's only one way out of this." The queen cleared her throat and then began her story. Once there was a slimeball who arrested the queen and said…..

**Narrator:** And so, as the eternally long tale continued, the viceroy eventually fell asleep, allowing the queen to steal his gun, shoot the droids, and put him to bed in time to catch the next episode of Heroes. And not too long later, the big party was underway, as Boss Nass rode up the streets of the main city, the poor beasts backs' half broken under his weight. Eventually they staggered up to the bottom of the stairs and he dismounted.

**Boss Nass:** *climbs stairs*

**Padme:** Let me see, everybody comes…blah blah blah…..two great nations….blah blah blah….peace and freedom for all….blah blah blah….yep done!

**Narrator: **And so with that incredibly abridged speech, everybody jumps up and down screaming their heads off.

**Sound guy**: K-WOHOOOOOOO! K-splatter!

**Narrator:** Uh, what's the K-splatter for?

**Sound Guy:** K-they-were-screaming-their-heads-off.

**Narrator:** *sigh* And so with the weird glowing orb of peace and rainbows, peace finally comes to an insignificant little planet in the middle of nowhere. Coincidentally enough, when Padme skipped a heap of the script, she missed the bit about freeing slaves, so Jar-jar was technically free, and he soon arrived home. Meanwhile back on Corescaunt…..

**Qui-gon**: *burns*

**Obi-wan**: NOOOO! what are you doing to him?

**Windu:** Uhhh, we burn Jedi when they're dead, it's called cremation, it's a way of releasing them into the next world.

**Obi-wan:** Wow! So there is a next world!

**Windu:** No.

**Obi-wan: **Awwwwww.  
><strong><br>Windu**: At least the Sith was destroyed.

**Yoda:** Always two there are, no more, no less…..of course unless killed one be.

**Windu: **Huh?...oh, yeah….I get it…..I think….. *strikes a pose* But which was destroyed, the master, or the apprentice?  
><strong><br>Sound guy**: K-ending-music.

**Credits guy: ***rolls credits*

**Author:** Wow, I can't believe it, we're finally done, after months of hard work and despair, WE'RE DONE!

**Secretary: **Uh, sir, the board of directors wanted to see you, something about abusing the budget, getting fired, your house mysteriously burning down and a guillotine

**Author:**….why me?


End file.
